apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
