i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
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