I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
