I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I have fence marks all over my body
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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