i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
