My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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