Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
