and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
