i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
