Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
