wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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