last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
