so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Randomize
