can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
he fucked my hip out of place.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
