just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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