Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
