that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
