I can feel you judging me through the phone.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
