Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
