new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
