She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Randomize
