Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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