I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
