my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
the raccoons are back...
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
