I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
