Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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