Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
