did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
