I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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