i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
