you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
