also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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