dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
