Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
