Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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