I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
