Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
