I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
