Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?