Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.