i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
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But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
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The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!