Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
