I can't breathe out the right side of my face
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
