haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
