I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
