yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.