you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
