In America we eat man semen.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
