what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
