why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
