i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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