..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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