im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
