thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
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i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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