Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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