life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
