did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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