Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
