Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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