shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
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I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize