similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
