My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
