I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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