If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Randomize
